It is 3 in the morning here and we are getting ready for bed (the hubs works nights so we always go to bed late). When i wake up I am starting my juice cleanse and quitting smoking. I must say I am very nervous.

I didn’t think I would be. But the reality of why I am really doing this juice cleanse and quitting smoking is setting in. I will hopefully be pregnant this year. Even though I have gone through planning for a baby before, I have never had so many emotions. I’m scared that I’m not going to be able to get pregnant, I’m scared that if I do I will have another miscarriage, basically I’m scared that my dream of being a mother will be taken away from me again.

I have never been so afraid in my life. Everything is finally going good in my life, I don’t think I could handle going through losing a baby again. The miscarriage and the failed adoption scarred me in a way I didn’t think was possible. Words cannot describe how much my heart has been broken and is still very much broken. I feel bad for even saying all this because of how much I want a child.

Shortly after the adoption failed, I walked out on my marriage. I was so angry at everything and everyone, especially my husband. Every time I looked at him all I could see was the child and life we were suppose to have. I was in a bad place. We were separated for several months before I realized I wasn’t angry at him… I was angry with how life turned out. I could never be more thankful than I was when my husband called me and asked me to come home. He is my rock and the best husband I could ever ask for. He loved me when I couldn’t love myself or anyone else, he stayed strong for both of us while I broke down, and he forgave life for me while I was giving up on it. I don’t want to disappoint him again.

I know this has nothing to do with juicing or anything. But I wanted to share what I am truly feeling the night before my juice cleanse. For me it’s much more than just a juice cleanse and not smoking anymore. It’s the start of my new journey… My fresh start to motherhood.

Thank you for sticking with me through this post. Writing has always helped me get through anything!

It is now almost 4am and I should be asleep…

The Healthy Housewife